Pages

Saturday, August 10, 2024

THE SUN IS RISING! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!!!!!!!

Author's note: To the extent you can decipher them, all thoughts contained herein are completely my own, and may not reflect the views of the TMAT team as a whole, its individual contributors, or its esteemed readers.

Welp. It finally. Happened.

Photo credit: Warhammer Community

After a year of patiently silently watching trolling our blogs, YouTube channels, Facebook groups, and tournament hallways while we endlessly wishlisted complained about what we wanted next what we hadn't gotten, we finally got what we deserved:

A brand new sourcebook, ten new models spoiled, and a ton more content on the horizon. A brand new sourcebook and collection of models that are about to be rendered obsolete by a completely new edition. This is totally what we've been begging for the last thing we wanted or needed!

Allow me to elaborate on behalf of the collective (which of course agrees with me--after all, I have a platform!).

Photo credit: Warhammer Community

Well, we wanted Rhudaur and it looks like we're gonna get it! we got Hyboria instead. Look at those muscle tones--these guys look ripped! don't the developers know it's cold up north? The horns, the cloak, it's all so wild and feral 40K crossed with Thor Odin-son. And the fluff description describes him as the "leader of the Warriors of Carn Dum," so either there's a repurposed Dunlending profile in the works, or there's something more they're holding back this is lazy writing, or we're about to have yet another profile without models, like Reavers and Gundabad Catapult Trolls and Azog's Signal Tower.

Photo credit: Warhammer Community

And a ranger hero--are you serious??? Like, rangers are my favorite faction ever!!! who even plays rangers??? He's yet another thematic hero for a really fluffy list just a repurposed Aragorn sculpt, with Expert Shot a crap S2 bow. I have no idea what Chieftain of the Dunedain does, but boy do I have a ton of ideas! it's probably something lame like a free Heroic Resolve, because what else is he going to be doing with that repurposed Aragorn sculpt?

Photo credit: Warhammer Community

And then there's this man of mystery. Is Angmar finally getting a Fury-style buff to courage? blind human druid--just what it's always needed never wanted! What exactly will Incantations of Power do, and could it offer meaningful competitive alternatives to "Witchking and Shade/Barrows lists"? how badly will the power-creep further nerf the og elves? Also, there's another reference to those mysterious "Men of Carn Dum"! Are they laying breadcrumbs trying to torment us?!?!?!?

Photo credit: Warhammer Community

So this new sculpt is pretty sweet.

I didn't know I wanted it, but now I must have it.

Photo credit: Reddit

Hill Trolls, on the other hand...

Photo credit: Warhammer Community

Don't get me started on these guys. REALLY??? Super fluffy, exactly what gave Arathorn so many troubles all those years ago, and the models are dope as [you-know-what]!!! Completely unnecessary and derivative--doesn't Angmar have cave trolls already? And Hill Troll Intelligence--I mean, what does that even do? Is it like Master of Battle, but for Heroic Strike? Do they get an improved shoot value? Give the models around them some sort of buff? Can they sing and dance? Challenge opponents to a game of tic-tac-toe? I mean, it's not like the standard for troll "intelligence" is that high. 

I have no idea, and neither do you--but boy, are our imaginations running wild *wild*.

Photo credit: Warhammer Community

AND WEREWOLVES????? I mean, come on. Now you're just taking my money gaslighting me. It's like something out of a fever dream, like if the descendants of Draughluin and Carcharoth had been in hiding for a thousand years a monkey got together with a camel. And Feral Charge? No idea what that does, but who cares: they look like the descendants of Draughluin and Carcharoth have returned to terrorize Eriador a monkey got together with a camel.

Photo credit: Warhammer Community

Lastly, WE'RE GETTING A NEW EDITION!!!!!!!????? Like, what the heck? GW loves us hates us: they're going to holistically rebalance the game, after all our complaining about the Witch-King and Suladan and the Emperor legion nerf everything about a ruleset that's been perfectly-balanced for six (12! 20!!!) years. I never dreamed it would come to this!

Again, I have no idea what this means, and neither do you. But BOY OH BOY is the GOLDEN AGE about to begin!!! the WORLD about to end!!! Because EVERYTHING WE'VE EVER KNOWN IS ABOUT TO CHANGE! (After all, who ever heard of a "new edition" that didn't completely overhaul the core game's mechanics?)

Oh, and the part about "units and character's actions and on-screen presence" being "even better represented on the tabletop"? What an endless talbeau of possibilities a bunch of crock! Everyone knows heroes are completely imbalanced totally balanced, the alliance matrix has been wonky since the errata, and Beornings shouldn't be better fighters than Dunedain Beornings are totally better fighters than Dunedain. So get your wish-lists dustbins out, boys and girls, and get ready to bombard the Facebook groups and content creators with all the fluffy fixes we've fashioned post after post about how crass and craven the designers are! Because clearly our attempts to do that over the last year are finally paying dividends!

Finally, to GW: if you're reading this, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for ripping our hearts out. For years we've been playing this game we love so much, and hoping that your investment in it wasn't over. Clearly, it isn't. We can't actually process all that we're feeling right now. We'll be on pins and needles until we get fuller reveals of the many, many things that you've just teased. But that's not going to stop us from trying to process it all, in real time, on all our various channels and groups. After all, we're a passionate fan base, because we're passionate about this game. Just make us all happy--that's all we ask. And remember that we'll of course get it right on the first-try, and no amount of poo-pooing Pollyanna-ing is going to change our minds!

(At least not today.)

In conclusion, THE SUN IS RISING!!!!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!! Probably in time for Christmas. *totally excited* *totally sarcastic* How will I possibly contain myself until then?

___________________________

In closing, a post-script: Most of this has been satirical, but this isn't.

Wherever you fall on the spectrum, remember: 

  • Until the changes are announced, no changes are announced. 
  • Written words on the internet are awful at conveying tone, so play nice.
  • And even if your wildest dreams or darkest fears ultimately come true, this will still just be a game that gives adults an excuse to play with toy soldiers.

Until then, dream fret away. Or continue playing with toy soldiers.

~Rythbryt

8 comments:

  1. Amusing article, but did you miss that they actually did show us pictures of the Warriors of Carn Dรปm?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, they were at the beginning of the first post. I am not sure if he missed them or if he was just joking about it.

      Delete
  2. They showed the warriors of Carn Dum though... Weird article, man!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Satire requires a little puzzling through sometimes. :-)

      Delete
    2. It doesn’t make any sense, they showed the models. It’s not satirical. But you’re right, I probably just need to puzzle through it.

      Delete
  3. Y’all had me in the first half ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ this was a fantastic article ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love that there is finally some love for MESBG again. Not sure if I like all the sculpts, especially the human ones. As you said the Ranger one is an Aragorn rebrand and I don't feel like the textures are a good bridge between Arnor and the Rangers (maybe it's the colours). The evil ones just look to comically in my opinion and as you said very AoS. It's ridiculous thinking how the Dunlendings and to a certain degree the Beornings who also live up northish have much better fitting clothing but those guys go full Conan.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Reading this article was an exercise it not waking my entire family up.

    Fingers crossed for a better Dunedain list!

    ReplyDelete